What I’ve been up to.

I have not been good about writing on here lately. To be honest, I’ve had a lot of stuff going on over the last few months. Let’s start with the big one.

Back Sugery!!!!

So I ended up having to have back surgery, which was definitely not something I had planned. It did hinder my weight loss a little bit but I was able to get myself back on track.

The hardest part of it was not being able to do anything. I couldn’t stand just sitting there idle, not being able to clean, or pick up anything heavier than a gallon of milk. It was depressing! But I made it through, and the doctor told me I was doing great and by April 1st, I was back to working out and taking care of my body.

Then I got a hernia. Ugh!!!!!

But it is what’s called a “sports hernia”. I’m still working on getting it better, but I have seen some improvement! Still, I haven’t been able to work out for a week or so and I hate it.

Despite all of that, I’m only a couple of weeks away from publishing my book! It’s nearly here, and the suspense is killing me! I want to hold that sweet baby of mine in my hands and hold it like a newborn. I can’t wait to see it come to life.

So, to recap, I’ve had surgery, got a hernia, and started the publishing process of my novel “The Half Breed.”

Oh, and still working my full time job and trying to work a part time job until my book starts to pay off a bit.

So, there you have it. Completely raw, unedited ramblings to recap the last few months.

Comment if you have had a recent back surgery. I would like to hear how your healing process went.

Learning To Not Be Over-Critical

For a little context, the picture attached to this post is (from left to right) December 8th, January 7th, and February 10th.

I have been working out consistently for two months now. I have been watching what I eat, having some splurges from time to time when I’m out with friends. Usually that’s about once a week. Still, I feel pretty confident in the changes I’ve made for myself in my life. Unfortunately, I am still overly critical. Yes, I can see a change, but a part of me tells me that it’s not enough of a change. That I should be further along, that I should be able to see more of a difference. So then I begin to chastise myself for every poor decision I’ve made. Now I should say right now that I have been using the “Lose It” app on my phone, and I love it! I use it every single day, and I’m almost always consistent with putting my food on there. But there are times when I don’t. Like when I go out and have a few too many Coronas with my friends (Thanks to Joan and Jose! Love you guys! :D).

So, after posting this picture on Instagram, I wanted that gratification. A part of me wanted to hear from other people that they can see I’m working hard, that they can tell I’ve lost weight. I was craving that. Why? Because I can’t look at myself objectively and be proud of what I see unless someone else tells me it’s okay? I don’t get it. I don’t understand where that mindset comes from or why I feel trapped inside of it. Is it just from years of self hatred that keeps me from loving myself? Is it so hard for me to show myself love that I can’t look at three pictures of myself and think “Damn girl. You’re working hard. I love you.”

I remember, when I was a kid, any time I would compliment myself or say anything positive about myself, my stepdad would always call me out on it, as if having a positive outlook on myself was being “full of yourself”, being arrogant. Any time I showed any kind of positivity where I was concerned, it was immediately met with sarcastic comments and taunts about my big ego and my arrogance.

I never remember what exactly I said to receive these taunts, but I remember the words spoken to me. I wonder if that is a part of why this all started in the first place? Thinking to myself that any kind of self-love or self-appreciation was selfish and arrogant. I was terrified that people wouldn’t like me because of that, that it was another personality trait of mine that, eventually (as I had been told on several occasions), would result in everyone that I loved turning their backs on me.

So finding it in me to look at these pictures and find pride in the progress I’ve made felt foreign, wrong even. And there’s that person inside me that tells me that if I voice those thoughts, someone will come around to tell me how wrong I am, and put me back in my place, back in that dark hole that suffocates me with self-hatred and depression. I don’t want to get back in that hole. I’ve spent too many years living there, and the world is too bright to ignore anymore.

So here it is. I am proud of what I’ve done. I can see my progress and I can say, with confidence, that I’m happy with myself. I will not stop working to improve myself, but I can look at these pictures and be proud of what I have done. Nothing can change that. Not even some jerk’s nasty comments. I refuse to give them that power. And I may be far from the point that it doesn’t affect me, but one day, it’ll just brush right off my shoulders.

I look forward to that day.

Finding time for excercise

I am addicted to food. I’m addicted to potato chips and cookies, sweet coffee drinks and cheesy anything. That’s me.

Sometimes, the worst part about working out and getting fit is finding time to work out and get fit. It seems that, the closer we get to the holidays, the busier we all get. And the holidays are the worst! People justify letting go of your diet because “it’s the holidays” while also being hard pressed to find time to work out. Adding those two things together, and you’re just asking for a whole lotta weight gain. And how discouraging is that?!?!

I have lost 25 pounds so far in my weight loss journey, and I’ll be damned if I gain it all back within a couple of weeks. So, now the dilemma is trying to find ways to not only resist the temptation to eat Christmas cookies and candies, but to also resist the people in your life that are trying to convince you that it’s okay. Just one, right? No, it’s not that easy. And if they persist enough, you start to think “well, I have lost weight. I’m doing good, what’s a tiny little cookie going to do to me?”

I’ll tell you what it’s going to do to you. It’s going to give you a green light for justifying more. A cookie here, a cookie there, maybe a tiny slice of pie, and then maybe a tiny slice more when that one is done. It starts the snowball effect. I am soooo guilty of this mindset, especially after I’ve seen some results.

I am addicted to food. I’m addicted to potato chips and cookies, sweet coffee drinks and cheesy anything. That’s me. And when I am feeling good about my weight loss, my brain tries to convince me that have those periodically is okay. But it’s never a periodical thing for me. It always ends up being more. So now I have to find a way, after doing so well, to stop this snowball before it takes all of my hard work away from me.

I don’t want to go back to the drawing board. I don’t want to start back at square one. But here I am, a full and busy weekend, thinking to myself “I’m barely going to find time to go grocery shopping! How am I gonna workout?”

Grocery shopping is a must right now, because without it, I’m going to be eating whatever I can afford, which is basically fast food. That’s not a part of my diet plan! But, despite all of that, I can not go the entire weekend without some form of exercise, and since the YMCA closes at 5:30 tonight, I highly doubt I’m going to be getting that cardio in.

But… there is this lovely sight call YouTube. Ah, yes, the place where you can find just about anything. That’s what I will be doing. In fact, I believe I will look for some Yoga for beginners, get some stretching and flexing in, ya know? Something different from my typical routine. I’ve been itching to learn some Yoga, because I know it’s very beneficial in so many ways, including the aspect of weight loss. Maybe my goal should be to get flexible enough that I can do a back bend. I had always wanted to do one, but I never could. That should be my goal, before I get to my bigger goal of being able to climb the rock wall. I think I can make it.

Well, I better get off of here. I have to go do that grocery thing.

(This literally took me less than 10 minutes to jot down, so sorry about any typos)