Summertime fun

Memories are a beautiful thing. They can remind you of a time that you felt lost, scared, angry, alive. It’s the ones we focus on, the ones we wrap ourselves up in when we’re down that can change the course of our lives.

Constantly looking at those memories that caused you pain will only continue to inflict fresh wounds. So what happens when we choose to relive the happy ones. The ones that made you feel incredible, strong, exhilarated?

I look back at the last couple of years, and I see a lot of struggles. I see where I could have allowed the negativity in, could have allowed it to dull that spark within me. It would have been easier, it would have been comfortable, maybe event safe. Sticking with the old, reliving past wounds and allowing them to make your decisions for you.

Or you can choose to fight. You can stand up and say “okay, so my path is changing again. It’s alright. I’m good at making new paths.” Every time you stand up and take charge, you are creating a moment in your life that will always be with you. This little blip of happiness and pride that you can hold onto and remember. You can look back and say “I did that. I conquered the fear of the unknown and I am stronger now because of it.”

In one of the lyrics by a very popular K-Pop group, they say “Never be late to do what you wanna do right now.”

I thought about that often. What that means for me. Tomorrow isn’t promised to us. If you have the chance to do something, do it. Don’t let fear stop you from fulfilling your dreams. Don’t wait for others to join you, or for people to be there for you in case you fall. Have faith in yourself that you won’t and you take that dream by the hand. Guide it to that beautiful memory that you’re sure to make.

Because nothing lasts forever. Your time is now. This moment is for you. Make it for you. Make time every day to celebrate who you are, that beautiful, amazing, and confident person inside. And live your life.

I had many firsts this weekend. I went kayaking, I got on a hammock, and I played “ninja warrior” in the pool with my niece and nephew.

I made many memories this weekend. And I look back and smile, knowing that I just accomplished things I would have been too scared to do just a couple of years ago. That’s big for me. Those memories will warm my soul for years to come. They also have me itching to do something new. To add to the memories of this summer. I want to make 2019 a year to remember. Then I want to make 2020 a year to remember, and the year after that and the year after that.

I’ve spent way too many years of my adult life focusing on the bitter ugly truth of my youth, using it as a shield to protect me from life. It, in turn, stopped me from truly living.

What is something you’ve always wanted to do? Why haven’t you done it? What’s stopping you, and how can you remedy that? Whether it’s physical strength, financial burdens, or mental fear, those things can be conquered. They can be overcome, if we choose to not settle for anything less in this life.

I truly don’t even know how I’m making it financially right now. “By the seat of my pants” as one might say, but I’m still making it. And I will continue to push the envelope… physically, mentally, and financially. Because in the end, all we have is our memories. So, let’s make ’em count.

What I’ve been up to.

I have not been good about writing on here lately. To be honest, I’ve had a lot of stuff going on over the last few months. Let’s start with the big one.

Back Sugery!!!!

So I ended up having to have back surgery, which was definitely not something I had planned. It did hinder my weight loss a little bit but I was able to get myself back on track.

The hardest part of it was not being able to do anything. I couldn’t stand just sitting there idle, not being able to clean, or pick up anything heavier than a gallon of milk. It was depressing! But I made it through, and the doctor told me I was doing great and by April 1st, I was back to working out and taking care of my body.

Then I got a hernia. Ugh!!!!!

But it is what’s called a “sports hernia”. I’m still working on getting it better, but I have seen some improvement! Still, I haven’t been able to work out for a week or so and I hate it.

Despite all of that, I’m only a couple of weeks away from publishing my book! It’s nearly here, and the suspense is killing me! I want to hold that sweet baby of mine in my hands and hold it like a newborn. I can’t wait to see it come to life.

So, to recap, I’ve had surgery, got a hernia, and started the publishing process of my novel “The Half Breed.”

Oh, and still working my full time job and trying to work a part time job until my book starts to pay off a bit.

So, there you have it. Completely raw, unedited ramblings to recap the last few months.

Comment if you have had a recent back surgery. I would like to hear how your healing process went.

Discouragement and Courage

I’m finding it increasingly difficult to not get discouraged. My weight loss has slowed down a lot, and that need for instant gratification tends to weigh heavily in my mind. I catch myself wanting to find some cure all pill, or an extreme weight loss diet in order to shed an extreme amount of weight in a short time. And why? I think I might be getting addicted to the attention I have been receiving. I want people to see me. I want people to be proud of me. Is that because deep down I’m still not proud of myself? Am I stuck on a boulder in the path to self love? It’s how it feels. I feel stuck. I feel self hatred coming back full force in my mind. I am becoming increasingly dependent on the opinion of others to keep me going. I need to stop it, but I don’t know how. I started an Instagram page to document my progress, this life altering journey I am on. Today, I noticed that I had lost 8 followers in the course of an evening and I got extremely upset. I began to wonder what I had done wrong to make them leave? Was it the post about watching “The Greatest Showman”? Was it because I posted one too many selfies? Were my photos not professional enough? I wanted answers desperately this morning. I wanted to know what it was that I needed to fix in order for those people to come back. Then it dawned on me… WHAT?!?!?! My inner voice began talking at this point, and this is what she said:Excuse me, you’re upset about what? Because some complete strangers that you don’t even know who they are, where they live, what their life is like, decided to stop following you? You literally know nothing about them, and you’re ready to jump off the fucking deep end in order to impress them?! What is that going to accomplish? How is that going to make your life richer? How is that going to make you happy? You still can’t even look in the mirror without finding something to criticize. Do you think that these people value you? That they will improve your self worth? No, they won’t. This Instagram page wasn’t meant to be about how many followers you got, or how many likes you received. This was supposed to be for you. A virtual journal that you could look back on, and something that you hoped would one day inspire someone else to make those positive changes in their life, too. You are not responsible for their happiness. You are responsible for yours. Stop looking at those likes, or how many followers you have. Stop worrying about being liked by others and get back to learning to like yourself. One day, you’ll find that the self love that you were seeking will be there, because of your own strength and determination, not because of strangers on the internet. Get back to why you started this in the first place. Get back to learning how to love yourself. She was right, on all accounts. My inner voice is a very strong woman. I think I need to let her talk more often. So starting today, I’m gonna work on posting pictures that I like, not ones that I think others will like. So what should that be? 🤔Eh, I guess we’ll find out!

Finding time for excercise

I am addicted to food. I’m addicted to potato chips and cookies, sweet coffee drinks and cheesy anything. That’s me.

Sometimes, the worst part about working out and getting fit is finding time to work out and get fit. It seems that, the closer we get to the holidays, the busier we all get. And the holidays are the worst! People justify letting go of your diet because “it’s the holidays” while also being hard pressed to find time to work out. Adding those two things together, and you’re just asking for a whole lotta weight gain. And how discouraging is that?!?!

I have lost 25 pounds so far in my weight loss journey, and I’ll be damned if I gain it all back within a couple of weeks. So, now the dilemma is trying to find ways to not only resist the temptation to eat Christmas cookies and candies, but to also resist the people in your life that are trying to convince you that it’s okay. Just one, right? No, it’s not that easy. And if they persist enough, you start to think “well, I have lost weight. I’m doing good, what’s a tiny little cookie going to do to me?”

I’ll tell you what it’s going to do to you. It’s going to give you a green light for justifying more. A cookie here, a cookie there, maybe a tiny slice of pie, and then maybe a tiny slice more when that one is done. It starts the snowball effect. I am soooo guilty of this mindset, especially after I’ve seen some results.

I am addicted to food. I’m addicted to potato chips and cookies, sweet coffee drinks and cheesy anything. That’s me. And when I am feeling good about my weight loss, my brain tries to convince me that have those periodically is okay. But it’s never a periodical thing for me. It always ends up being more. So now I have to find a way, after doing so well, to stop this snowball before it takes all of my hard work away from me.

I don’t want to go back to the drawing board. I don’t want to start back at square one. But here I am, a full and busy weekend, thinking to myself “I’m barely going to find time to go grocery shopping! How am I gonna workout?”

Grocery shopping is a must right now, because without it, I’m going to be eating whatever I can afford, which is basically fast food. That’s not a part of my diet plan! But, despite all of that, I can not go the entire weekend without some form of exercise, and since the YMCA closes at 5:30 tonight, I highly doubt I’m going to be getting that cardio in.

But… there is this lovely sight call YouTube. Ah, yes, the place where you can find just about anything. That’s what I will be doing. In fact, I believe I will look for some Yoga for beginners, get some stretching and flexing in, ya know? Something different from my typical routine. I’ve been itching to learn some Yoga, because I know it’s very beneficial in so many ways, including the aspect of weight loss. Maybe my goal should be to get flexible enough that I can do a back bend. I had always wanted to do one, but I never could. That should be my goal, before I get to my bigger goal of being able to climb the rock wall. I think I can make it.

Well, I better get off of here. I have to go do that grocery thing.

(This literally took me less than 10 minutes to jot down, so sorry about any typos)