Summertime fun

Memories are a beautiful thing. They can remind you of a time that you felt lost, scared, angry, alive. It’s the ones we focus on, the ones we wrap ourselves up in when we’re down that can change the course of our lives.

Constantly looking at those memories that caused you pain will only continue to inflict fresh wounds. So what happens when we choose to relive the happy ones. The ones that made you feel incredible, strong, exhilarated?

I look back at the last couple of years, and I see a lot of struggles. I see where I could have allowed the negativity in, could have allowed it to dull that spark within me. It would have been easier, it would have been comfortable, maybe event safe. Sticking with the old, reliving past wounds and allowing them to make your decisions for you.

Or you can choose to fight. You can stand up and say “okay, so my path is changing again. It’s alright. I’m good at making new paths.” Every time you stand up and take charge, you are creating a moment in your life that will always be with you. This little blip of happiness and pride that you can hold onto and remember. You can look back and say “I did that. I conquered the fear of the unknown and I am stronger now because of it.”

In one of the lyrics by a very popular K-Pop group, they say “Never be late to do what you wanna do right now.”

I thought about that often. What that means for me. Tomorrow isn’t promised to us. If you have the chance to do something, do it. Don’t let fear stop you from fulfilling your dreams. Don’t wait for others to join you, or for people to be there for you in case you fall. Have faith in yourself that you won’t and you take that dream by the hand. Guide it to that beautiful memory that you’re sure to make.

Because nothing lasts forever. Your time is now. This moment is for you. Make it for you. Make time every day to celebrate who you are, that beautiful, amazing, and confident person inside. And live your life.

I had many firsts this weekend. I went kayaking, I got on a hammock, and I played “ninja warrior” in the pool with my niece and nephew.

I made many memories this weekend. And I look back and smile, knowing that I just accomplished things I would have been too scared to do just a couple of years ago. That’s big for me. Those memories will warm my soul for years to come. They also have me itching to do something new. To add to the memories of this summer. I want to make 2019 a year to remember. Then I want to make 2020 a year to remember, and the year after that and the year after that.

I’ve spent way too many years of my adult life focusing on the bitter ugly truth of my youth, using it as a shield to protect me from life. It, in turn, stopped me from truly living.

What is something you’ve always wanted to do? Why haven’t you done it? What’s stopping you, and how can you remedy that? Whether it’s physical strength, financial burdens, or mental fear, those things can be conquered. They can be overcome, if we choose to not settle for anything less in this life.

I truly don’t even know how I’m making it financially right now. “By the seat of my pants” as one might say, but I’m still making it. And I will continue to push the envelope… physically, mentally, and financially. Because in the end, all we have is our memories. So, let’s make ’em count.

What I’ve been up to.

I have not been good about writing on here lately. To be honest, I’ve had a lot of stuff going on over the last few months. Let’s start with the big one.

Back Sugery!!!!

So I ended up having to have back surgery, which was definitely not something I had planned. It did hinder my weight loss a little bit but I was able to get myself back on track.

The hardest part of it was not being able to do anything. I couldn’t stand just sitting there idle, not being able to clean, or pick up anything heavier than a gallon of milk. It was depressing! But I made it through, and the doctor told me I was doing great and by April 1st, I was back to working out and taking care of my body.

Then I got a hernia. Ugh!!!!!

But it is what’s called a “sports hernia”. I’m still working on getting it better, but I have seen some improvement! Still, I haven’t been able to work out for a week or so and I hate it.

Despite all of that, I’m only a couple of weeks away from publishing my book! It’s nearly here, and the suspense is killing me! I want to hold that sweet baby of mine in my hands and hold it like a newborn. I can’t wait to see it come to life.

So, to recap, I’ve had surgery, got a hernia, and started the publishing process of my novel “The Half Breed.”

Oh, and still working my full time job and trying to work a part time job until my book starts to pay off a bit.

So, there you have it. Completely raw, unedited ramblings to recap the last few months.

Comment if you have had a recent back surgery. I would like to hear how your healing process went.

Learning To Not Be Over-Critical

For a little context, the picture attached to this post is (from left to right) December 8th, January 7th, and February 10th.

I have been working out consistently for two months now. I have been watching what I eat, having some splurges from time to time when I’m out with friends. Usually that’s about once a week. Still, I feel pretty confident in the changes I’ve made for myself in my life. Unfortunately, I am still overly critical. Yes, I can see a change, but a part of me tells me that it’s not enough of a change. That I should be further along, that I should be able to see more of a difference. So then I begin to chastise myself for every poor decision I’ve made. Now I should say right now that I have been using the “Lose It” app on my phone, and I love it! I use it every single day, and I’m almost always consistent with putting my food on there. But there are times when I don’t. Like when I go out and have a few too many Coronas with my friends (Thanks to Joan and Jose! Love you guys! :D).

So, after posting this picture on Instagram, I wanted that gratification. A part of me wanted to hear from other people that they can see I’m working hard, that they can tell I’ve lost weight. I was craving that. Why? Because I can’t look at myself objectively and be proud of what I see unless someone else tells me it’s okay? I don’t get it. I don’t understand where that mindset comes from or why I feel trapped inside of it. Is it just from years of self hatred that keeps me from loving myself? Is it so hard for me to show myself love that I can’t look at three pictures of myself and think “Damn girl. You’re working hard. I love you.”

I remember, when I was a kid, any time I would compliment myself or say anything positive about myself, my stepdad would always call me out on it, as if having a positive outlook on myself was being “full of yourself”, being arrogant. Any time I showed any kind of positivity where I was concerned, it was immediately met with sarcastic comments and taunts about my big ego and my arrogance.

I never remember what exactly I said to receive these taunts, but I remember the words spoken to me. I wonder if that is a part of why this all started in the first place? Thinking to myself that any kind of self-love or self-appreciation was selfish and arrogant. I was terrified that people wouldn’t like me because of that, that it was another personality trait of mine that, eventually (as I had been told on several occasions), would result in everyone that I loved turning their backs on me.

So finding it in me to look at these pictures and find pride in the progress I’ve made felt foreign, wrong even. And there’s that person inside me that tells me that if I voice those thoughts, someone will come around to tell me how wrong I am, and put me back in my place, back in that dark hole that suffocates me with self-hatred and depression. I don’t want to get back in that hole. I’ve spent too many years living there, and the world is too bright to ignore anymore.

So here it is. I am proud of what I’ve done. I can see my progress and I can say, with confidence, that I’m happy with myself. I will not stop working to improve myself, but I can look at these pictures and be proud of what I have done. Nothing can change that. Not even some jerk’s nasty comments. I refuse to give them that power. And I may be far from the point that it doesn’t affect me, but one day, it’ll just brush right off my shoulders.

I look forward to that day.

Finding Beauty in Myself

Today, I will be stronger than I was the day before, and tomorrow I will be stronger than I am today. I will persist.

I have never been one too look at myself and see beauty. I’m sure a lot of people are like that. You see your face every day. You are always going to see something, right??

All I see is my weight, anymore. There are days when I think to myself “why bother?” I mean, it’s not like I’m ever gonna be sexy and pretty. That’s what I tell myself when I’m struggling for control over my eating disorder. And that’s what overeating is. It’s an eating disorder.

The other night, I gave into temptation. I was at my brother’s house, last minute babysitting. I didn’t have time to go home because the roads were crappy, so I looked on my Weight Watchers app and found some fast food that wouldn’t put me over my points. I succeeded, by the skin of my teeth. I even had to pull a few points from my fitpoints, but that was fine with me, at the time.

When he gets back home, he tells me he’s ordered a pizza, if I wanted to stick around and have some. Here’s where everything went wrong. To put this into perspective, I had intended to go to a yoga class that evening and had opted out so I could help out my brother. By doing so, I created a bad mindset. I started to internally beat myself up and that, in turn, caused a well of depression and self-hatred to start rising up inside of me.

When moments like this happen with me, I don’t look at it and say “then go work out!!! If it bothers you that much, do it. It’s not too late.” No. When moments like this happen with me, I give up. And when I heard him mention the pizza, I wasn’t even hungry, or craving pizza, even. But I knew that it would taste good. I knew that, while eating the pizza, I would feel happy. I would eat it fast and hard, and I would have an intense feeling of satisfaction afterwards. Never mind that the satisfaction lasts mere minutes before the guilt settles in.

That’s what I do. It’s what I’ve always done. And, in the past, I had a tendency to give up completely at that point. There was no “picking it up and dusting it off” the next day. Nope. I would give up completely and go right back to my old eating habits and my sedentary lifestyle.

But how is that going to get me to my goals??? How am I ever going to be able to experience the things in life that I want to experience when I give up every time I screw up?

So yesterday, after a really bad night of eating bad pizza and beating myself up, I just… acted as if it didn’t happen. Not that I was trying to deny the truth, I just decided to not dwell on it any longer. I made myself some healthy meals for the day and proceeded to do better for myself. And when my sister texted me to see if I wanted to work out with her, I jumped at the chance.

It felt great. To be able to stand up and dust myself off and refuse to give up was something I could have never done before. Any time I have ever lost weight in the past, I would only lose weight for the amount of time that it took for my willpower to give out. This time, it’s not going to stop me. This time, I’m going to acknowledge that it’s natural, that it happens to everyone and that it’s not a game ender.

Today, I’m going to look into my mirror and find something, other than my eye color, that I find beautiful.

Today, I will be stronger than I was the day before, and tomorrow I will be stronger than I am today. I will persist.