Summertime fun

Memories are a beautiful thing. They can remind you of a time that you felt lost, scared, angry, alive. It’s the ones we focus on, the ones we wrap ourselves up in when we’re down that can change the course of our lives.

Constantly looking at those memories that caused you pain will only continue to inflict fresh wounds. So what happens when we choose to relive the happy ones. The ones that made you feel incredible, strong, exhilarated?

I look back at the last couple of years, and I see a lot of struggles. I see where I could have allowed the negativity in, could have allowed it to dull that spark within me. It would have been easier, it would have been comfortable, maybe event safe. Sticking with the old, reliving past wounds and allowing them to make your decisions for you.

Or you can choose to fight. You can stand up and say “okay, so my path is changing again. It’s alright. I’m good at making new paths.” Every time you stand up and take charge, you are creating a moment in your life that will always be with you. This little blip of happiness and pride that you can hold onto and remember. You can look back and say “I did that. I conquered the fear of the unknown and I am stronger now because of it.”

In one of the lyrics by a very popular K-Pop group, they say “Never be late to do what you wanna do right now.”

I thought about that often. What that means for me. Tomorrow isn’t promised to us. If you have the chance to do something, do it. Don’t let fear stop you from fulfilling your dreams. Don’t wait for others to join you, or for people to be there for you in case you fall. Have faith in yourself that you won’t and you take that dream by the hand. Guide it to that beautiful memory that you’re sure to make.

Because nothing lasts forever. Your time is now. This moment is for you. Make it for you. Make time every day to celebrate who you are, that beautiful, amazing, and confident person inside. And live your life.

I had many firsts this weekend. I went kayaking, I got on a hammock, and I played “ninja warrior” in the pool with my niece and nephew.

I made many memories this weekend. And I look back and smile, knowing that I just accomplished things I would have been too scared to do just a couple of years ago. That’s big for me. Those memories will warm my soul for years to come. They also have me itching to do something new. To add to the memories of this summer. I want to make 2019 a year to remember. Then I want to make 2020 a year to remember, and the year after that and the year after that.

I’ve spent way too many years of my adult life focusing on the bitter ugly truth of my youth, using it as a shield to protect me from life. It, in turn, stopped me from truly living.

What is something you’ve always wanted to do? Why haven’t you done it? What’s stopping you, and how can you remedy that? Whether it’s physical strength, financial burdens, or mental fear, those things can be conquered. They can be overcome, if we choose to not settle for anything less in this life.

I truly don’t even know how I’m making it financially right now. “By the seat of my pants” as one might say, but I’m still making it. And I will continue to push the envelope… physically, mentally, and financially. Because in the end, all we have is our memories. So, let’s make ’em count.

Run Away

So, her old Jeep left little to be desired in the world of the Middle-class, but Stephanie couldn’t imagine being them. She couldn’t imagine waiting impatiently every single day for a vacation that was always too far and too few between just so she could escape hell in a fiendish attempt to feel alive. She would probably have gotten married, had a couple of kids, worked first shift while her husband worked second or something, leaving her alone with her devices, and her sexual desires, eventually resulted in something that would resemble an affair; and all the while feeling guilty about the affair, enjoying every minute of it, because it was the only thing that made her feel something. Yeah, she would probably love her kids. She would hopefully love her husband. She would hate herself, though

Run Away

Part 1 of 2

This is how I sometimes feel, trapped in this place with no escape.

Stephanie sat quietly listening to her music. The wind whipping around her face was still not enough to mask the deathly heat in this horrendous place. Perhaps if she had just stayed in Nowhere, Middle America and used that money for a new car, she wouldn’t be in this predicament. But then, she wouldn’t be her, would she? She would be stuck in some dead-end factory job spending the rest of her days surviving uptight, cocky supervisors and arrogant, perverted co-workers. She would be her mother. She would be the one thing she loathed. So, her old Jeep left little to be desired in the world of the Middle-class, but Stephanie couldn’t imagine being them. She couldn’t imagine waiting impatiently every single day for a vacation that was always too far and too few between just so she could escape hell in a fiendish attempt to feel alive. She would probably have gotten married, had a couple of kids, worked first shift while her husband worked second or something, leaving her alone with her devices, and her sexual desires, eventually resulted in something that would resemble an affair; and all the while feeling guilty about the affair, enjoying every minute of it, because it was the only thing that made her feel something. Yeah, she would probably love her kids. She would hopefully love her husband. She would hate herself, though. No, on the road was where she needed to be. She had to be away from it all. She grew weary pretty fast, listening to her family tell her to “get a real job”, which translated to “go get a factory job. They pay well. The work sucks, but you get the weekends off… unless you get mandated… but then you get those nice overtime checks when you end up working those 50 or more hours a week.” Stephanie cringed at the thought. Who in their right mind would want to devote 50 hours of their time to some shitty company based out of Japan (probably) who could give two flying fucks whether you were happy, as long as they were making a profit! She looked around her at the desolate Earth around her, and smiled. With as dead and hopeless as this place looked, she felt more alive than she ever did back there. Here, she was free. True, the temperatures were scorching, and as she drove down the road with a car which currently had no running a/c, she didn’t mind. She would put up with moments of blindness as her hair whipped her viciously in the face, and she would deal with having to go through a stick of deodorant a week. Hell, she would even put up with walking around like a wet mop, because she was free.
She looked down into her purse as she continued down the blistering highway… Only $500 of spending money left, not including the money she put back for an apartment once she got to wherever she chose to stop. She had to make it last. She would just have to sleep in the car again that night. She’ll just find a rest stop on the way and take a sponge bath in the sinks. She would wash her hair the best way she could with it as well, and she would rinse a few of her clothes out, too. It wasn’t like she hadn’t done it before since her travels. She threw her cell phone out about two weeks prior; her mother’s neurotic calling had started ruining her escape. A part of her did miss the people she had left behind. She had missed getting up in the morning to the smell of maple syrup and French toast on Sundays, and a fresh pot of coffee every morning. She missed her Mother coming home at exactly 4:00 every afternoon after her shift at the factory, washing up and asking her what she wanted for dinner. She missed her Grandpa most. She would miss their fishing trips and their secret trips to White Castle so he could get some cheeseburgers and red cream soda. And she would miss Garrett. She cared about him. Hell, she had loved him at some point. They dreamed about a different life together. They dreamed about leaving and running away to start a new life away from their oppressive homeland. But then he chose not to go to college, which she didn’t care. He kept working at the grocery store after that. It was when he quit the grocery story to go work at his father’s factory that made her heart ache. She fought so hard for so long to resist assimilation. She didn’t want to become their robots. That was when she had decided to leave. When she turned 21 and her grandfather handed her the money he had been saving for her, she bolted. She bought a cheap car and some new clothes, and left as fast as she could. She hadn’t even second guessed the decision. Even after the arguments and fights with her parents, and the tears that fell from her Grandfather’s eyes, she still had to do it. She had to figure out what it was that she was missing.