My letter to Ellen

So I wrote this to Ellen tonight. I don’t know why, but I felt I needed to try. She is, after all, the person who led me to this journey. She led me to BTS and their music, to the deep lyrics that helped me to see what it was that I was missing in life. I needed love. I needed SELF love, and that’s what I’ve been trying to find over the last year and a half. So, I felt like I needed to write this. I needed to be honest with how I feel.

I just want to live, I want to experience life, have moments of pure bliss, and strength.

Okay, so this is a lot to put down, but I’m gonna try.

November 21st, 2017, I was on the verge of committing suicide. That day, needing something to distract myself, I turned to your Instagram page. I needed some light in my otherwise dark world. You had a picture of BTS and after diving into the rabbit hole of their music and reading their lyrics, I realized how much I wanted to love myself and didn’t know how.

That’s when my life started to change. I worked on trying to eat better, exercise… because I wanted to live. I wanted to know what it felt like to live. I wanted to know what it was like to love myself.

And I wanted to experience life. I have so many firsts that I want to accomplish. I want to go rock climbing, I want to go backpacking, I want to help animals, I want to hug an elephant, I want to see a lion, I want to save an animal from poachers, I want to put stamps on my passport.

I want to be alive.

I’m crying as I write this because I feel like my dreams are never gonna happen. I have lost 100 pounds now and I just recently had to have emergency back surgery. And I’m sitting here, financially strapped from being off work for so long, and wondering if this life I have worked so hard for is ever going to happen.

I just want to experience things I’ve never experienced before.

I just want to look back at my life and see that I’ve lived.