Regrouping After The Holidays

The holidays can be the worst when you are trying to change your life. Everyone wants to celebrate with delicious and unhealthy foods, and it seems that people don’t understand that you still want to make healthier choices, despite the festivities. If I had an apple for every time someone told me to forget about my diet during the holidays… I would have lots of apples. I mean, at least a bushel!

But seriously, people don’t seem to understand that it’s not a diet, it’s about being a healthier, smarter, stronger version of yourself. It’s not about denying myself food! It’s about being able to see the food for what it is. Food is fuel, and the type of fuel you put in makes a difference in how your system works. This isn’t a “just until I lose xx pounds”. This is a lifetime commitment to myself to make healthier choices so that I can do all those things in life I’ve always wanted to do. I want to enjoy life, and not just the food I put in my mouth.

The types of food I put in my mouth isn’t happiness. The result of that food is what will give me long lasting happiness.

I’m not saying that the only thing important in life is being skinny. All I’m saying is that there are things I’ve wanted to experience in life that seemed hard or impossible to do at the weight I was. I may miss the food now, but I won’t be thinking of that Big Mac I missed out on, or the fattening potato salad I didn’t eat on Christmas when I’m on the top of that rock wall, looking down at how far I’ve come.

So I guess I need to find new ways to celebrate that doesn’t include food.

Finding time for excercise

I am addicted to food. I’m addicted to potato chips and cookies, sweet coffee drinks and cheesy anything. That’s me.

Sometimes, the worst part about working out and getting fit is finding time to work out and get fit. It seems that, the closer we get to the holidays, the busier we all get. And the holidays are the worst! People justify letting go of your diet because “it’s the holidays” while also being hard pressed to find time to work out. Adding those two things together, and you’re just asking for a whole lotta weight gain. And how discouraging is that?!?!

I have lost 25 pounds so far in my weight loss journey, and I’ll be damned if I gain it all back within a couple of weeks. So, now the dilemma is trying to find ways to not only resist the temptation to eat Christmas cookies and candies, but to also resist the people in your life that are trying to convince you that it’s okay. Just one, right? No, it’s not that easy. And if they persist enough, you start to think “well, I have lost weight. I’m doing good, what’s a tiny little cookie going to do to me?”

I’ll tell you what it’s going to do to you. It’s going to give you a green light for justifying more. A cookie here, a cookie there, maybe a tiny slice of pie, and then maybe a tiny slice more when that one is done. It starts the snowball effect. I am soooo guilty of this mindset, especially after I’ve seen some results.

I am addicted to food. I’m addicted to potato chips and cookies, sweet coffee drinks and cheesy anything. That’s me. And when I am feeling good about my weight loss, my brain tries to convince me that have those periodically is okay. But it’s never a periodical thing for me. It always ends up being more. So now I have to find a way, after doing so well, to stop this snowball before it takes all of my hard work away from me.

I don’t want to go back to the drawing board. I don’t want to start back at square one. But here I am, a full and busy weekend, thinking to myself “I’m barely going to find time to go grocery shopping! How am I gonna workout?”

Grocery shopping is a must right now, because without it, I’m going to be eating whatever I can afford, which is basically fast food. That’s not a part of my diet plan! But, despite all of that, I can not go the entire weekend without some form of exercise, and since the YMCA closes at 5:30 tonight, I highly doubt I’m going to be getting that cardio in.

But… there is this lovely sight call YouTube. Ah, yes, the place where you can find just about anything. That’s what I will be doing. In fact, I believe I will look for some Yoga for beginners, get some stretching and flexing in, ya know? Something different from my typical routine. I’ve been itching to learn some Yoga, because I know it’s very beneficial in so many ways, including the aspect of weight loss. Maybe my goal should be to get flexible enough that I can do a back bend. I had always wanted to do one, but I never could. That should be my goal, before I get to my bigger goal of being able to climb the rock wall. I think I can make it.

Well, I better get off of here. I have to go do that grocery thing.

(This literally took me less than 10 minutes to jot down, so sorry about any typos)

Finding Beauty in Myself

Today, I will be stronger than I was the day before, and tomorrow I will be stronger than I am today. I will persist.

I have never been one too look at myself and see beauty. I’m sure a lot of people are like that. You see your face every day. You are always going to see something, right??

All I see is my weight, anymore. There are days when I think to myself “why bother?” I mean, it’s not like I’m ever gonna be sexy and pretty. That’s what I tell myself when I’m struggling for control over my eating disorder. And that’s what overeating is. It’s an eating disorder.

The other night, I gave into temptation. I was at my brother’s house, last minute babysitting. I didn’t have time to go home because the roads were crappy, so I looked on my Weight Watchers app and found some fast food that wouldn’t put me over my points. I succeeded, by the skin of my teeth. I even had to pull a few points from my fitpoints, but that was fine with me, at the time.

When he gets back home, he tells me he’s ordered a pizza, if I wanted to stick around and have some. Here’s where everything went wrong. To put this into perspective, I had intended to go to a yoga class that evening and had opted out so I could help out my brother. By doing so, I created a bad mindset. I started to internally beat myself up and that, in turn, caused a well of depression and self-hatred to start rising up inside of me.

When moments like this happen with me, I don’t look at it and say “then go work out!!! If it bothers you that much, do it. It’s not too late.” No. When moments like this happen with me, I give up. And when I heard him mention the pizza, I wasn’t even hungry, or craving pizza, even. But I knew that it would taste good. I knew that, while eating the pizza, I would feel happy. I would eat it fast and hard, and I would have an intense feeling of satisfaction afterwards. Never mind that the satisfaction lasts mere minutes before the guilt settles in.

That’s what I do. It’s what I’ve always done. And, in the past, I had a tendency to give up completely at that point. There was no “picking it up and dusting it off” the next day. Nope. I would give up completely and go right back to my old eating habits and my sedentary lifestyle.

But how is that going to get me to my goals??? How am I ever going to be able to experience the things in life that I want to experience when I give up every time I screw up?

So yesterday, after a really bad night of eating bad pizza and beating myself up, I just… acted as if it didn’t happen. Not that I was trying to deny the truth, I just decided to not dwell on it any longer. I made myself some healthy meals for the day and proceeded to do better for myself. And when my sister texted me to see if I wanted to work out with her, I jumped at the chance.

It felt great. To be able to stand up and dust myself off and refuse to give up was something I could have never done before. Any time I have ever lost weight in the past, I would only lose weight for the amount of time that it took for my willpower to give out. This time, it’s not going to stop me. This time, I’m going to acknowledge that it’s natural, that it happens to everyone and that it’s not a game ender.

Today, I’m going to look into my mirror and find something, other than my eye color, that I find beautiful.

Today, I will be stronger than I was the day before, and tomorrow I will be stronger than I am today. I will persist.